Evil Overlords Anonymous
by Mikki Kimani
Summary: It's not easy being a despot. That's why EOA (Evil Overlords Anonymous) exists. A touching story about how Lord Voldemort, Sauron and Darth Vader find their inner child, conquer the world and support each other through trials at the Hague. Rated T for some mild language and sexual overtones.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: **This was inspired by the lovely Samira Ali. Thank you for making me have inappropriate dreams about Saruman

**Obligatory Disclaimer:** All characters that you recognize are not mine, they belong to J.K Rowling, J.R.R Tolkien, George Lucas and various other millionaires. Sadly I am not one of them. But soon...

I may have borrowed ideas or words from other authors, especially Loten (she's fantastic!) so full credit goes to them wherever it's due. And the lovely cover image is courtesy of _eviloverlords dot com_ the head word is all Ian Fleming's.

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**"A dry martini," he said. "One. In a deep champagne goblet...shaken, not stirred"**

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**Chapter one**

Severus sighed. The things he had to do for this man. He really should have read the fine print on his contract...

The coffee was terrible. One would have thought that muggle coffee would be better than the wizard bilge he had to deal with but apparently not. What he wouldn't do for a good strong hot cup of coffee. The years he spent in Colombia earning his mastery for Potions had ruined him. Now all he could do was grimace and hope the inner lining of his stomach would survive this onslaught.

"Can anyone recognize me?"

"No, my Lord. Your powers of concealment are to be admired" Severus intoned with a practised air of servility

This man and his vanity! Once you got over the fact that he was the great and mighty Lord Voldemort, he was really quite irritating. He had such a fragile ego; any little thing could send him into a tantrum. "Just like a child", Severus thought contemptuously. All he did was assure him that yes, he was feared; yes, Potter had terrifying nightmares about him; of course his last nose job was successful...he was a glorified babysitter.

How embarrassing.

But somehow this managed to be more mortifying.

Lord V had spotted the ad in the Daily Prophet a few weeks ago:

_Evil Overlords Anonymous. A place where you can share your plans to rule the world and no one will accuse you of war crimes. A place where you can meet and talk with your fellow dubious despots. All are welcome. Meeting is in the basement of Saint Anthony's on Hill Road, Saturdays 7:00 to 9:00 p.m_

Severus had scoffed at the ad, insulted the editor and promptly forgot all about it. Until V summoned him and insisted that they just HAD to go and did they have any murders penned in for that Saturday?

And now they were in the basement of some drafty church, drinking sour coffee and wearing the most ridiculous disguises.

"The glamorous life of a spy" Severus thought sardonically.

**A/N: What do you think? I know it's short but the other chapters will be longer. I would love feedback of any kind. Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Despite my promises, this chapter is also woefully short. But the third is already uploaded so that should make up for it. If there are any other overlords you would like included please let me know and I'll do my best.

**Obligatory Disclaimer:** All characters that you recognize are not mine, they belong to J.K Rowling, J.R.R Tolkien, George Lucas and various other millionaires. Sadly I am not one of them. But soon...

I may have borrowed ideas or words from other authors, especially Loten (she's fantastic!) so full credit goes to them wherever it's due. And the lovely cover image is courtesy of _eviloverlords dot com; _the head word is by John Greene

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**Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome._  
_**

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**Chapter two**

Sauron was nervous. It had been years since he'd talked to people. Being an evil disembodied eye had that effect on your social life. But his therapist had told him he needed to interact more with people, apparently it would improve his social skills. Fat load of good those therapists did him. He'd had lots of them over the years, more than he could remember. Some he killed when they refused to refill his prescription of Prozac. He liked Prozac. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy and not like killing those annoying Hobbit things.

Saruman had told him about this meeting and said they could go together. He was always suggesting that they should...do things together. So many hints that maybe some weekend they should watch a movie together on his palantir, they should meet up to discuss murdering the Riders of Rohan, they should go mascara shopping; if it wasn't so impossible Sauron would have thought he had a crush on him

So here they were.

How Sauron wished for his Valium. He was trembling just thinking of all those people he would have to...talk to. Eurgh, socializing. The horror.

He missed the internet already. Online, no one knew he was the most feared person in Middle Earth, he was just BigRedEye13. All the arguments he was missing, all the comments on his blog, the roleplaying forums; darn Saruman for making him come!

**A/N: Apologies again for the short chapter. What do you think. Any comments will be greatly appreciated**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: **Poor depressed Darth Vader. I just want to hug him

**Obligatory Disclaimer**: Any recognizable characters are, sadly, not mine. I'm not making any money from this either. I may have borrowed ideas or words from other authors, especially Loten (she's fantastic!) so full credit goes to them wherever it's due. And the lovely cover image is courtesy of _eviloverlords dot com; _the headword is courtesy of Rachilde's Monsieur Venus.

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**All monsters have their fits of depression**

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**Chapter three  
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The office was painted in calming shades of beige. The furniture was old and all in similar boring shades of brown. Darth Vader felt like he was drowning in an ocean of earth tones.

"So how did it make you feel when Luke denied you as his father?" Dr Moon asked quietly.

"Like I wanted to die" Darth replied despondently.

He missed his kids. Even though he'd never had a chance to know them, he felt like he did. He knew Luke was brave and strong, and that Leia was passionate and an inspiring leader, just like her mother. Padme. How he missed her. And he'd been such a jackass to her. He never deserved her. What did she even see in him?

"Darth! Darth! You seemed to have zoned out there"

"Oh, yes, I supposed I had. I just miss her so much!"

And with that the might Sith Lord begun to weep softly into a lacy handkerchief.

"I just wanted to be responsible for once! I didn't think Luke would hate me that much! And Leia doesn't even want to talk to me. The stormtroopers think I'm losing my grip and Darth Maul had the audacity to suggest that I should take some time off! And I don't have any friends, not since I destroyed Alderaan. I'm just so...so lonely!"

Darth dissolved into snivelling sobs. Dr Moon stroked his back till he stopped crying.

"Maybe you should join a nice support group for people with problems like yours" he said.

"You think so?"

"Definitely! I heard about one called Evil Overlords Anonymous, it's nice and quiet, no one ever needs to know about Alderaan and you can talk to them about your kids"

"Can I show them their baby pictures?" Darth asked

"Of course you can!"

"Will you come with me?" he asked sadly.

"Now Vader, what did we talk about independence?"

Darth Vader nodded sadly. "Okay" he said, taking a fortifying breath "I'll go. It's better than watching Teletubbies alone every Saturday"

"Good man!" Dr Moon crowed " I'm very proud of you. Here are the directions to the meeting" he said handing him a slip of paper. " I'm afraid our time is done. But I'll see you Sunday, usual time?"

"Of course."

Darth Vader stood up and begun gathering his things. There was a glimmer of hope in his eyes that hadn't been there. Maybe this group would help him get better. Then he could go back to being the confident person he used to be.

**A/N: What do you think? All comments will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note:** It seems I am destined never to write long chapters. But that's okay :)

**Obligatory Disclaimer: **None of the recognizable characters are mine, they all belong to K. . I'm not making any money out of this either.

I may have unintentionally borrowed words or ideas from other authors, all credit goes to them whenever it is due. The lovely picture is courtesy of _eviloverlord dot net_ and the head word is by Frederick Douglas

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**I didn't know I was a slave until I found out I couldn't do the things I wanted**

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**Chapter four**

Visser Three was in a good mood.

The sunset was beautiful, the irritating animals called birds were chirping and the ir was infused with the scent of hot dogs from the nearby stand.

The best part was that Visser One had finally been deported to a far off planet and he was free to control the silly humans as he saw fit.

Humans were so lucky. Their planet was beautiful, so unlike his own. The Yeerk planet was a cold dull place, everything was sad and grey. But this was gorgeous. Even the sight of a dog taking a dump on someone's lawn made him smile. He adored the power of sight his host body gave him. Even the short time he took taking in Kandrona Rays made him miss seeing, he hated being a sightless slug .He would do everything and anything in his power to make sure he never was blind again.

Which was the reason he was walking towards the derelict church on Hill Road in his human form. The Council of Thirteen had made him attend some meeting of overlords as part of the terms of his release. They said it would help him control his urges and teach him infiltration skills, make him be a better leader.

Visser Three thought it was the daftest thing he'd ever heard. Honestly, sometimes he thought the Council were nothing but a bunch of idiots who'd had the fortune of gaining high ranks.

"Make me a better leader, what a crock of shit" he muttered as he walked.

But he would go gladly; he would pretend to smile, he was even planning on arriving early, just so he could impress the council! He would do anything to make sure he never lost his sight again.

**A/N: Any thoughts? Please let me know in the review box below!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** I'm not well versed in LOTR canon so forgive any inaccuracies made. Please let me know what you think, I would really appreciate some feedback.

Now that I've introduced most of the major characters, the next chapters will be about the actual meeting. If there's anything you'd like to suggest, let me know

**Obligatory disclaimer: **All recognizable characters belong to J.R.R Tolkien, the cover image is courtesy of _eviloverlords dot net_ and the headword belongs to Federico Garcia Lorca

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**To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.**

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**Chapter 5**

Saruman was a man in love. And there was nothing worse than being in love with someone who barely acknowledged your existence.

From the moment he met him, Saruman had been in awe of Sauron's power, his dark charisma. He made him feel like so powerless and needy. He had started out wanting to gain Sauron's trust and ultimately overthrow him but over time, his obsession with power had developed into an obsession with the Maia himself.

Saruman knew it was irrational. He was wise enough to recognize that he would never be stronger than Sauron; he would just be playing with fire. Literally. So he turned all his greed into love and channelled it all into serving Sauron. He would protect that One Ring with all he had. He created a new race of orcs to destroy the Hobbits. He tortured Gandalf (whom he had once been bff's with) to make sure the Fellowship didn't get to Mordor. But did Sauron even notice? Saruman sent him endless palantir texts asking him lovingly how his day was going, did he need anything from the supermarket, would he like him to destroy Gondor for him but all he got were monosyllabic replies like "k".

He was running out of hope when he noticed the tiny ad on the back page of the Mordor Tribune. Evil Overlords Anonymous. That could work. He could tell Sauron that he owed it to him, he could make up for forgetting his birthday by going with him. He could ask right after he decimated Rohan...Sauron would be in a good mood.

To his great surprise, his plan worked. And that Saturday found him at the smelly dripping basement of a crumbling old church.

Saruman had never been happier.

**A/N: What do you think? Let me know in the review box below!**


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